How to Dump Your Girlfriend

Several months ago, my associate stumbled across an article on MSN.com entitled "How to Dump Your Girlfriend." Being the conscientious persons we are, we thought to peruse the article and evaluate the efficacy of the ten offered tips. We've taken the liberty of reproducing the quotes from the article in yellow, and follow them with our own commentary. Happy dumping!

10. Take her to a nice restaurant
Show her that you still care about her, in spite of everything, by taking her out for one last special night. Avoid any place with sentimental significance -- such as the restaurant where you shared a first date.
Give her one more night of romance, and one last night to show her just what she'll be missing. Plus, breaking up with her in a public place is classy.


9. Give her a parting gift
Giving your former one and only something to remember you by is a nice touch, because it suggests your time together was special. Don't go for extravagant jewelry, but do choose something small and thoughtful.
Provide her with a souvenir of the painful encounter! "Oh, that teddy bear? Yes, Robert gave it to me on the night he dumped me. No, I ripped the head off afterwards."

You could also give her a bouquet and let her know that flowers, like your love, eventually wither and die.


8. Talk to her folks
Let's assume the two of you had a deep and meaningful relationship, in which case you've probably gotten to know her parents pretty well. So if you want to offer a touch of class, give them a call a few days after the breakup.
"Hi, Mr. Smith? Yes, this is Robert, the destroyer of your beloved daughter's hopes and dreams. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing well after breaking your little girl's heart. Oh, and by the way, I won't be making a honest woman out of her after all, sir."


7. Shed a tear or two
Nothing says "I'm terribly sorry" like a little sensitivity, as long as your tears are genuine. You may think crying isn't manly, but honest tears will show her how truly sorry you are about the breakup.
That's right. Cry like the pussy boy you are for taking advice from a website about how to best dump your girlfriend.


6. Write her a letter
This doesn't mean you can let the mailman do the dirty work for you. You still have to break up in person; just have a written note handy to say the things that, verbally, are just "too painful."
"Dear Elise,
Here's written proof of all the distressing things I told you. I imagine you'll burn this along with the pictures of us from the photo booth at the mall.
Love,
Robert."


5. Maintain a friendship
As happy as you might be to be a bachelor again, you shouldn't leave her high and dry, especially if you really cared about her. Contact her a few days after the tragic event (preferably by e-mail, to avoid the initial awkwardness) and ask her how she's doing.

Eventually, you can include her in some of your outings with your posse to show her that you still appreciate her company. Just make sure you don't give her any hints that you might still want her (read: casual sex is a no-no).
This is actually somewhat decent advice--I think an e-mail a few days after the break-up isn't too terrible. She can then choose whether or not she wants to respond. But spelling out that you shouldn't have casual sex with her seems so crass. Of course, some men (and women) probably do need the lesson.


4. Don't flirt with others too soon
Breaking up is more than just a one-day event. A lot of it has to do with the aftermath, that is, how you handle your first few days as a free agent.

And avoid getting spotted at some bar, hitting on anything that moves. If you truly cared about her, the least you could do is make her feel good by giving her the impression that she can't be replaced so quickly.
I also agree with this. Even if someone feels ready to move on, you should have a few days to grieve for what was lost. Yet, apparently, some men need to be told that they can't flirt with women right after dumping their s.o.


3. Let her keep the gifts
One of the slimiest things you can do is ask her to give back whatever items of yours she might still have. Unless she has your Benz stashed in her garage, you can probably afford to replace those old sweatshirts or CDs. The last thing you want is to look like a jerk or a cheapskate.
Damnit, this was much funnier when the advice wasn't good. This is also true. Every guy who has ever dumped me has told me I can keep whatever I had of his... which explains my creepy t-shirt collection.


2. Talk to her friends
If you really want to convey that her well-being is your top priority -- which is what a real gentleman would do -- call up one or two of her closest friends and inquire as to how she's doing. Make it clear, however, that you don't regret breaking it off (or else her friends might report that you want her back). You just want to make sure she's all right. Maybe then her girlfriends won't think you're such a loser after all.
Ah, back to the bad advice. "Hey, Wendy? It's Robert. Yeah, I just dumped your best friend the other night. Tell me, is she still bawling over it? Oh, I don't really care, I wouldn't date Elise again in a million years. I just want to appear caring and sensitive so I can hit on this blonde at the club tonight."

Oh, and in case any men aren't aware of the female friend code: the guy who dumps your best friend is always a loser. He might also be a jerk, a dick, an ass clown, a complete fucking retard, and he might have all sorts of nasty harm wished against him. No phone call will change that.


1. Be honest
Okay, so maybe giving her the exact specifics as to why you're letting her go will leave you prone to bodily harm. But it's probably one of the most respectful ways you can broach it. Tell her exactly how you feel and the real reasons why you're leaving her, without insulting her too much. Telling her you're no longer attracted to her is one thing; mentioning that she put on a few pounds will garner you nothing but a body cast.

Being honest means letting her know exactly where she stands, without the risk of being misunderstood. And doesn't she, at the very least, deserve the truth?

If you decide to part ways, being a gentleman about it will at least help you stand tall and wash your hands from her without regrets, so that you can start with a clean slate when the next lucky lady comes along.
Again, some good advice in here. Be honest. Don't try to rewrite history, don't try to sugarcoat things. It'll hurt, probably hurt like hell. But in the long run, the honesty will make it easier on her.


Do you know someone who actually followed this advice? Want to share horror stories about bad break-ups? E-mail us. We love e-mail.


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